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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 1, 2012 7:00pm-7:30pm PDT

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downed lines have left eight million people without electricity-- including new york city below 39th street. in new jersey, the national guard has been sent in to rescue more than 20,000 trapped hoboken residents. 100 homes burned to the ground in breezy point, queens. the largest single fire in new york city history. an entire town on the jersey shore has been submerged. it's an unimaginable tragedy where the scope of the damage is still unfolding. for those fortunate enough to be watching this show tonight, i urge you to visit to find out how you can assist those in need. spoiler alert: it's money. (laughter) i'd also like to single out some heroes. like the nurses at n.y.u. hospital. (cheers and applause) after the hospital's generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. i can't even walk down nine
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flights of stairs without a spotter. (laughter) then there was this city worker photographed by one of my writers who, mid-hurricane, climbed a tree with a chain saw to remove loose branches that could have crushed people if they were caught in the wind. now, a lot of people don't know this, but in a tree with a chain saw is the safest place to be in a hurricane. (laughter) now, i want to give special shoutouts to the guy in charge of new jersey. >> today i toured the jersey coastline baby helicopter and i landed in two spots on the jersey shore and i can tell you that i've never seen devastation like this in my life. we're mixing sorrow with determination. we're going to move forward as a strong and resolute people to make sure we rebuild our state and do what needs to be done. >> stephen: wow, that guy is incredible. i just wish i knew his name or his title. (laughter) oh, there you go. chris christie, governor! all right, there it is!
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(cheers and applause) good thing his mom sewed his name into all of his clothes before he went off to governor camp. (laughter) and storm nation, things are not much better in new york. the m.t.a. reported that sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the east river. which means it could be weeks before they're able to restore the scent of urine. (laughter) that's why i am calling on new york drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves. (cheers and applause) the point is it appears that we got manhattan wet, which i'm pretty sure voids the warranty. (laughter) and there are no lenape indians around to give us back our beads. oh, you win this time, extinct tribe. (laughter) but before the storm hit i hope
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you all followed my storm prep instructions. duct tape the windows, filled your bathtubs with fresh water and built an ark. (laughter) one of every animal, only females. then add one very randy poodle. (laughter) they can mate with anything, that way we repopulate the earth with a hypoallergenic animal kingdom. you get your elephant-a-poos. (laughter) your roco-doodles. they're great with kids who don't make sudden moves. (laughter) of course, with all this heart breaking devastation, there's really only one question on everyone's mind. >> how will this affect election day? >> with much of the east coast battered by sandy only seven days from the election, how will it impact the race? >> it's mother nature's october surprise. a storm so big and so destructive it could throw the campaign's final week into chaos. >> stephen: yes, all across the country people were frantically texting their loved ones.
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"your father and i are or worried, have you seen the latest tracking polls of undecided suburban women in ohio?" (laughter) and make no mistake, folks, this hurricane has got "election" all over it! out of sensitivity, less than one week from election day mitt romney has been forced to suspend his campaign! that's why he scrapped his victory rally in kettering, ohio and instead appeared at a completely different the same spot -- (laughter) -- with the same people and called it a storm relief rally. which is so comforting for all those living on ohio's hard-hit atlantic coast. (laughter) (applause) now, at the storm relief not-campaign event, mitt aired a biographical video that was part of the republican national convention and the press badges called it a victory rally. but he was clearly there for the canned goods.
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>> we're going to box these things up in just a minute and put them on some trucks and we're going to send them into uh uh -- i think it's new jersey. (audience reacts) >> stephen: boy, that really warms my uh -- uh -- i think it's my heart? (applause) and, folks, it's not -- one of those organs. just one of them. folks, it's not just the hurricane that's hurting romney here. he has to deal with another threat that can be seen from space, chris christie. (laughter) now, as i said earlier -- as i said earlier, he has done a great job, but he's so interested in addressing the needs of his constituents that i think he's lost sight of what's really important! >> if you think right now i give a damn about presidential politics than you don't know me. i spoke to the president three times yesterday. he called me for the last time at midnight asking what he can do. he's been incredibly supportive
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and helpful to our state and not once did he bring up the election. i said if you could expedite the major disaster declaration without the normal fema mum bow judge boy, he got right on it and this morning i understand he he signed a disaster declaration for new jersey. the president has been all over this and he deserves great credit. >> stephen: oh, come on! you're praising obama just because he declared new jersey a disaster area? johnny carson did that for 30 years! (laughter and applause) hay-oh! thank you, michael. stay dry up there. folks, it's one week before the election and christie is praising a democrat. what's next? a democrat praising christie? it's unnatural! it's like kissing your sister! which, by the way, will be federal law if obama is reelected. (laughter) then today christie and obama went on a tour of hurricane damage. barack obama stole mitt's date
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to disaster-prom! folks, none of this surprises me. none of it! (cheers and applause) none of this surprises me. hurricanes have a well-known liberal bias. first katrina tainted george bush's presidency. then isaac wiped out the first day of the republican national convention. now hurricane sandy. sandy, what kind of name is that? are you a dude storm or a lady storm? oh, big surprise, just when obama needs a boost, who shows up but a gender-ambiguous weather system, a category 5 by cure cane. (laughter) hey, hey, don't get me wrong, i don't mine you being a hemispheric scale meteorological event, but why must you be so flamboyant and in my face about it? (cheers and applause) no, i'm hurricane sandy, deal with me! now, make no mistake, folks, the hurricane agenda is to make the
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federal government look necessary! (laughter) well, mitt romney understands that disaster relief belongs only on the state level. as he explained when asked about his plans for fema during a primary debate. >> every time you have an occasion to take something from the federal government and send it back to the states, that's the right direction. and if you go even further and send it back to the private sector, that's even better. >> stephen: right! we should make disaster relief the sole responsibility of the states. who better to respond to what's going on inside its own borders than the state whose infrastructure has just been swept out to sea? (cheers and applause) so please, please folks -- (cheers and applause) don't get me wrong, it's bad, but let's not freak out over hurricane sandy and think we need the feds! the response should simply be handled by whatever individual state is the entire eastern sea
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board. (laughter) and in a romney administration instead of depending on big government you'll be rescued by private-sector volunteers like paul ryan who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already-clean pots. (laughter) we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much! folks, you know, when a disaster
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like hurricane sandy strikes, people are in desperate need of any kind of comfort and in this increasingly secular and cynical age too often our communities and churches can't provide it. thankfully in times of trial we always have donald trump's twitter feed. (laughter) you may recall last week when trump made this generous offer. >> if barack obama opens up and gives his college records and applications and if he gives his passport applications and recordsly give to a charity of his choice a check immediately for $5 million. one caveat. the records must be given by october 31 at 5:00 in the afternoon. >> stephen: now that heartwarming act of extortion got lost in the massive human tragedy of this storm. and trump is no monster, folks, he knows people are suffering
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too much right now to pay attention to his homemade youtube videos. (laughter) that's why in the face of this biblical disaster, of this massive suffering he's doing the right thing, taking this that $5 million offer and extending it until noon on thursday. (laughter and applause) you hear that? you hear that mr. president? you can breathe easy! donald trump has given you an extra 19 hours to deal with the largest atlantic hurricane on record affecting millions of americans along 800 miles of coastline and then photocopy your college records. i think they're in the haul closet top shelf next to your nobel prize. (laughter) well, folks, last week i was so inspired by donald trump's charity threat that i made one of my own. mr. trump, i will write you a check for $1 million if you will
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let me dip my balls in your mouth. (cheers and applause) now i did not hear back from donald before my deadline of 5:00 today but following the lead of my future joe tom holster -- (laughter) -- i am proud to announce that i too, am extending my offer to dip my balls in trump's mouth. (cheers and applause) by the way, my balls? also extended. (laughter) mr. trump, you now have until noon on thursday and, sir, i will be gentle, i will take my time lowering them in as if i were introducing a tropical fish
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into new aquarium. (laughter) it takes time. they have to acclimate to their new environment. again, sir, let's do this for the kids. and for those of you who want to help the kids or anyone else, please go to and give generously. together we can overcome this disaster. also, the hurricane. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody, thank you very much. my guest tonight became the face of equal pay for women. tonightly pay her just as much attention as i pay my male guests. please welcome lilly ledbetter. (cheers and applause) ms. ledbetter, thank you so much for coming on. what a pleasure to have you on here. >> thank you, it's my pleasure to be here. >> stephen: where are you from originally? >> alabama. >> stephen: how long have you been in new york this week? >> since sunday. >> stephen: okay, perfect time to visit the city. >> absolutely. >> stephen: wonderful. did we bring you here? >> you did, i've been in three hotel this is week. >> stephen: how many? >> three. >> stephen: why did you move? >> well, the first one got evicted and -- evacuated because of the crane -- >> oh, the dangling -- the sword of damocles over midtown.
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okay. you're welcome. >> stephen: and the second one no hot water or heat. >> okay. and we got you into a third and now you're living in a -- >> a third one. >> stephen: right on the east river, something like that? >> that's right. >> stephen: please come back to new york again when facilities are in the 20th century. >> okay, i'll do that. >> stephen: now you are famous because you were an overnight supervisor at the alabama goodyear tire and rubber company for how long? >> 19 years and ten months. >> stephen: near the end of your tenure there you found out something about your pay, what did you find out? >> i was making 40% less than the three white males doing the exact same job that i was. and that was a devastating hit for me because that meant that my overtime pay was incorrect. what i had legally earned under the law. and it also meant that my retirement would not be correct. >> stephen: okay, so you sought
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relief from this problem by going to the courts. you were awarded $3 million in damages from goodyear from a lower court but it went all the way to the supreme court and what did the supreme court say to you? >> they said i do not file my charge soon enough. just alito wrote the opinion and he said i should have filed my charge when i got the first discriminatory paycheck even though i didn't know it. even though i couldn't prove it. but he says that i missed my mark. but that was not correct. >> stephen: well, it's the supreme court, madam. >> i understand. >> stephen: how did it feel? they took away your $3 million. how did it feel to have another group of men take away your money? (laughter) >> pretty devastating. very saddened. >> stephen: their logic was that you should have known before you knew? >> right. >> stephen: what about women's intuition?
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(laughter) why not that that? are they taking that into account? you guys have that magic power. >> i know, but it doesn't cover unequal pay. >> stephen: really. >> no. >> stephen: you really ought to. >> i know, we need to do that. >> stephen: you've got a new book here called "grace and grit my fight for equal pay and fairness at goodyear and beyond do i have to pay full price for the book? >> absolutely, i need the money. (cheers and applause) >> i understand paying women -- paying the same amount you pay men. i pay my female interns the same amount as i pay my male interns. nothing. (laughter) >> i heard that. >> stephen: one college credit in hard knocks. (laughter) but this became an oppressive federal law. the very first day in office, the first thing barack obama did, the first piece of legislation he signed was the
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lilly ledbetter act. now your name is immortal and associated with women's ability to write what you see as an injustice. what does the law do now? >> it allows the person, the same as i did when they find out that they have been discriminated against and they're still getting a check they have 180 days in any state in this country to file a charge with an t equal employment commission. >> stephen: how does it feel to be famous for righting what you see as an injustice? >> it's quite an awesome responsibility because, as i told the president when he signed that bill and it's named for me i feel that i need to get out into the country and the world, in fact, and share my story because what happened to me i don't want to happen to any other american family. because this goes on for the rest of your life. it's not just my pay, my overtime pay that my children and family had to do without but stephen, this goes on into my
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retirement now and i became a widow in 2008 and now when my retirement checks go in the bank i get 40% less than i should. and it's extremely hard to make ends meet. and i'm just the tip of the iceberg. the united states is full of women in the same situation and so many of them have to move into home with their children. >> stephen: this has become a very popular law with women-- for whatever reason. (laughter) and they're a coveted democrat graphic of voters in this election. mitt romney is not against this law, right? he said -- he said he's neither for it nor against it so we can assume he's for it, right? >> he's not said anything. his staffer told the reporter "we'll get back to you" and so far they have not got back to us. >> stephen: well, maybe he's just trying to keep a great surprise.
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(laughter) like when he gets into office he'll sign a law giving you twice the pay. >> i don't think so. >> stephen: what if women just hold out and just see what's behind door number mitt. (laughter) >> i wouldn't advise that. >> stephen: are you presently working? >> no. >> stephen: will no one hire you because you're afraid you'll sue them? >> you got it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: lilly ledbetter. the book is "gra
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the "report," everybody. don't forget to text red sox to
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: boom! boom! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the daily show"! we are back! my name is jon stewart. welcome back. my goodness. what -- wow! did you ever have one of those days where everything you ever loved as a child was underwater? (laughter) obviously absolutely insane situation unfolded here in the new jersey new york tristate eastern sea board -- for those fortunate enough to make it through steel dealing with the aftereffects, millions without power and wat